i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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