I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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