Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
