I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
