you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
