Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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