my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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