Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
