so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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