My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
