I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Randomize
