M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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