is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
