I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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