JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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