he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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