Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
