my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
