it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
