I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
