Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
