I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
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