Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
