Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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