PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
