This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
