i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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