birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
