just survived the first fart of the relationship.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
