did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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