i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize