Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
