i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
