Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize