I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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