I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
