I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
