**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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