hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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