This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
