I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize