You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He better not be in your backpack
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
