They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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