She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
