He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
