Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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