the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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