I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
