It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
