I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
