i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
your like the ambassador to my penis.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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