My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
