Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
