Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
