You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
