Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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