Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
