My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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