i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
40s are totally the cure
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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