I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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