dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
