Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
