You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
